Onion Soup for the Drunkard's Soul

>> Saturday, August 25, 2007

(Dedicated to the only professor who thinks I am of Tamil parentage)

Have you been stopped receiving indirect hints about the membership openings at Alcoholics Anonymous? Does a half empty glass appear half full to you when you are on your penultimate peg? Is the first thing you desire every morning a black coffee? Can you actually pretend to be sober while you are stuffed to your gills? Then, hold your drunken breath, you are not being true to the code of the drunkards, the oaths and protocols of the distinguished few who have managed to immerse their whole lives to boozing and staying inebriated in all their waking hours, if, they can be called awake. So here is another vignette, chosen carefully and written with the toil and sweat of a few sober people, in an attempt to rouse the world to the joy of staying sloshed and never to put down the cocktail until you are being dragged homeward bound.

The Reformation
J.D. was a drunkard. He also was in love. Usually one begets the other, but he managed to perform both individually, with neither of the sets intersecting each other, though, of course, the lightheadedness associated with his drink did create an illusion of his beloved having more beauty than the Lord had bestowed on her. But the illusion helped and thus, every day, in every way, after his fourth peg, J.D. realized what he really needed was a woman in his house, in front of his favourite armchair, with limpid eyes to gaze into through the end of a glass and eager hands eagerly bringing in soda every half an hour. The future was not unthought of either. He already had plans to open a brewery with his eldest son while his youngest son would own a vineyard. In fact, everything was settled upon except for the asking of the woman's hand. Our brave protagonist did not cringe there either. Without the assistance of any additional alcohol to his regular amount, he went and braved it, the odds not withstanding.

However, the girl's acceptance had the predictable condition, she wanted her future husband to abstain from all alcoholic drinks. The reason behind this seemingly lay in an unhappy childhood consisting of a drunkard father, a long suffering mother and midnight brawls in front of their home with the renegades of the night. She refused to foresee a similar future for herself despite J.D. 's forceful recital of the midnight brawls being sources of general knowledge, usually regarding natural history. It pertained, she was not very fond of natural history, due to having a Ph.D. on it.

Such was the power of his love for the girl that J.D. actually contemplated taking up sobriety as as a natural form of existence. J.D. had never drunk to lessen pain, there had been no sorrow gnawing at his heart. He drank for pure pleasure. Intoxication came to him as inspiration comes to a writer. The artist in him took delight in discovering different forms of drunkenness, and, though not a well known fact, he had even composed and published essays on this. It was to explain this and beg for understanding and pity that he landed up, late one evening at his betrothed's.

It was his future mother-in-law who received him, informing him that her daughter was away. Seated in a very feminine living room, with more drink sloshing in him than he was used to, the motherly concern shown by his fiancee's mother regarding his pallid looking skin and a distraught expression made J.D. break down into fierce hiccups, an emotional outlet to his real feelings. Not being able to hold them any longer, he cried out all his troubles and worries and begged the woman in front of her to have mercy on his pitiful state and ask her daughter to reconsider her decision. It was the eerie silence of his audience which woke him up to the fact that this woman herself was a victim of a drunken husband and was not wont to sympathize with his case. It was while he was trying to find a tactful comment about the weather when she quietly spoke, "It wasn't her father. It was me." While J.D. blinked away his confusion, she explained her husband had always been a strict teetotaler and it was she who had been addicted to the glass. It had meant a painful childhood for her daughter who adored her father, who disliked his wife's little luxuries. An impressionable girl, she felt her mother to be in the wrong and sided with her father when it came to the question of the habit of drinking and found the act reprehensible. However, her father having died due to natural causes a few years ago (possibly because he did not drink, everyone knows alcohol kills germs), it was he his daughter attributed the drinking habit to, too ashamed to confess she had a drunk mother. She finished her story by offering a glass of whiskey to J.D. who rose to the occasion by asking for two.

It was while consuming his fourth glass while the lady was on her fifth that he realized he had met a kindred soul. Not only did she gulp down whiskeys with the fine artistry of a camel, she had a rare, shining, truthful spirit, who was not ashamed to own up that she drank, nay, was actually proud of it. He compared her to her daughter, who not only deceived him, but also disliked alcohol, classifying her as a lemon in the garden of paradise. It was on his seventh glass that a sudden realization shook him to the core and he saw what a fool he had been going to make of himself.

J.D. and his once-upon-a-time future-mother-in-law are happily married today with two adopted sons, both of whom, though young, show a healthy interest in the making of alcohol. Though their father does not allow them to consume it till they are of age, it is clear that his dreams for his sons will surely come true.

12 scaly flippers:

Ruchit 12:12 am, September 05, 2007  

Maan , this is just too good !! Even better than "Daring To Dream". I thought that since he got an ally, a confidante in his future mom-in-law, he wud definitely marry her daughter, by hook or by crook....not knowing till the last paragraph, that it was her mom HERSELF he wud tie the knot with !! Eeekkkss.

So, what I learnt from all this ?
Alcohol kills germs.Germs kill body. So by killing germs, alcohol is increasing your longevity. And so...

...MORAL of the story :

TEETOTALING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH

WHAT'S IN A NAME ? 9:54 am, September 08, 2007  

Superlative work projecting the trials and tribulations facing the epicure. ....Go on! Write more! My visits will now be in-infrequent. :)

ad libber 4:55 pm, September 09, 2007  

*sniff*, you touch me, really. I am trying to make one up about ganja addicts, just wondering whether it will be legal

The Ancient Mariner 6:10 pm, September 09, 2007  

good work maam...you are the one who knows the heart of a drunken soul...

ad libber 6:52 pm, September 09, 2007  

yes i do, ever since drink was denied to me, no one knows better the panhs of alcohol lust

Anonymous 9:54 pm, September 12, 2007  

I'm afraid that I am not impressed by 'Reformation'. As far as the style, turns of phrases, jokes, plot etc. are concerned I thought this might have been one of Hon G. Threapwood's many tales. In one of Wodehouse's worse efforts.

If you actually want to make a career out of writing, you would have to come out of the influence ;) I know, easier said than done. But judging from the stuff that seemed original to me plus the passage before the story, you can do it.

ad libber 12:55 am, September 13, 2007  

Bikram, is that you? this is not threepwood's many tales. I should know, I have practically swallowed them all but I will try to make amends. Thank you for your honest criticism.
p.s. If this is you Bikram, this is not the way you are making me do the de-wall thingy.

dreamy 6:36 pm, September 14, 2007  

absolutely mind numbingly brilliant!!

ad libber 10:41 pm, September 14, 2007  

A thank you to all my critics. All suggestions will be worked on and all nice stuff said will be re-read again. I am a sucker for them. :)

santanu 12:22 am, October 07, 2007  
This comment has been removed by the author.
prudence 12:28 am, October 07, 2007  

well all i cn say is i never felt gettin sloshed is so transparent....

Anonymous 11:08 am, September 15, 2010  

[url=http://www.pi7.ru/main/2016-match-sbornoy-rossii-zakonchilsya-skandalom.html ]Центр занятости [/url]
драсти!!!!!Пожалуйста мне оч нужен совет...У мя в прошлом месяце была задержка 4 дня сделала в тот же день тест и результат как бы отрицательный но еле заметно 2 полоска но к вечеру пошли меч. В этом месяце также самое тока задержка уже 6 ой день сделала тест отрицательно(((я не понимаю отчего такое происходит что это может быть !!!!!Пожалуйста подскажите)))

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