Weddings and Funerals

>> Saturday, February 02, 2008

What with the advent of dire situations mere mortals would call bird flu and a weather which freezes your fingers to the keyboard, the situation at the home front is something Edgar Allan Poe would, frankly, revel in. Not that Poe would ever envisage a plot line in a city which has lavish weddings even in such morbid conditions. Hardly the kind of misery one looks forward to during the month which hosts something as horribly empty as Valentine's Day.

Weddings fascinate me. They provide lost souls with fish fries. On a less brighter note, they also include relatives and other people who all claim to have met you when you were a more socially adept toddler. One grins and bears it with Spartan composure. But then one wonders. Could one be a changeling? Why is surprise the first expression registered in the erstwhile acquaintances' faces? Why should it be mentioned again and again that one looks like her father. One would assume it to be a cause for concern if one did not look like one of her parents. And why is this said over and over again (I know its a cliche, but this does happen to everyone, and it remains the most tiring of all questions)

Unidentified relative (UR) :My dear, how you have grown!!!!
Fish Fry enamoured invitee (FFEI) (deprecatingly) : Oh, just the heels.
UR (flustered) : OH, well, you still have grown.
FFEI (with burgeoning suspicion): Do you mean, grown fat?
UR (alarmed) : Oh, no, no, dear, no. Of course not. Certainly not.
FFEI (in verge of tears) : Of course you mean fat.
UR: Oh no, I never..Oh dear..I...
FFEI(the sense of dramatics in full force) : You can not blame me for putting on a few extra kilos. Its the most harmless addiction I could find. You do not know what I have seen. You do not know what I have faced. I have fought drugs and fags and booze and sex and politics and studies. Would you deny me the extra morsel of food? Would you, I ask you?
UR(leaves whimpering piteously)

Attended a sorrowful funeral a few days back. Buried my shoes amidst fond farewell scenes and tears, for they had been not unknown amongst friends and acquaintances. Its sad demise, which had been as gory as the death scenes in Saving Private Ryan, resulted in a hunt for new shoes while walking barefoot along the learned footpaths of college street. But that is a story for more cheerful times. This tale is about the sheer pain of loss.

It all started when buses started making seats for pygmies with, hopefully, both legs amputated. Fulfilling neither of the qualifications, I twisted around a narrow seat, with one leg curved viciously against the other. Needless to say, having longer legs than bus designers expect the average women to have, I got stuck the minute I had to get up and leave. After extricating myself out of it for a struggle of around ten minutes, my feet greeted the college steps, shoeless and forlorn. My beloved shoes remained stuffed inside my bag, now split into two. We finally buried them in the famous Presi drains, a fitting renowned graveyard for a pair of loyal shoes. They have stood with me through thick and thin, withstanding rains and summers and snow, have been trampled on, dragged, stomped and walked with. I wore them on my first day to college, they were a part of my attire the day I took my first steps to my library, they adorned my feet the day I my HOD declared I had 32% attendance and about to be listed as non-collegiate. Yet, they gave way under the pressure of narrow bus space where legs cannot be crammed inside.

This post remains dedicated to its memory.


[To people like me who seem to think they will never ever get to celebrate Valentine's Day, just tell people you refuse to do so, as it would be an insult to the memory of P.G. Wodehouse, who died on that day (May God bless his soul)]

27 scaly flippers:

Bubbles of FireWhisky 10:42 am, February 05, 2008  

went to a funeral myself this weekend... rather depressing really... i wonder how much the professional mourners got paid...

but talking of weddings... i witnessed one yesterday... the groom actually arrived on a chariot... white ghori n all...

coffee stain 12:59 pm, February 05, 2008  

.....what a post... and fish fries are the best part of weddings... i sadly went to a maru wedding... i mean there is a limit to which you can eat chaat an phuchka..... i went on to ask if there was a no-veg section to the foodline.... i got really bad stares....outcast types.. is it my fault if the dude tying the knot who devours 2 beef steaks in oly .... dosen't have a non-veg section..i used to get my cheeks molested by those never been seen apparent relatives.....that is till i started having a beard :P

Noisy Autist 9:30 pm, February 05, 2008  

that was outrageously funny :)

WHAT'S IN A NAME ? 10:25 pm, February 05, 2008  

only 32 % !!???????

That's CRIMINAL !

speedpost 11:14 pm, February 05, 2008  

So ur attending weddings too.

I thought only I had the privilege of attending Fish fry season.

And I tell myself that on Valentine's Day every year.

Doubletake, Doublethink. 11:54 pm, February 05, 2008  

it's very sad when you have to bury shoes. i had to chuck mine over a bridge in sikkim. they were made of jute and i didn't pollute the env., in case you were wondering.

i sometimes wonder what old pg would have had to say about valentine's day, especially since i've never known anyone like him for making his characters fall in and out of love with abandon. =)

Macadamia The Nut 1:24 am, February 06, 2008  

I had a pair of shoes I loved... kept them for 8 years. Finally my Granny threw them away saying they were a disgrace to humankind :(

:D Cute post

onnesha 1:53 am, February 06, 2008  

baby!you walk off with the icing on the cake!!!no seriously.how beeeg a socialite are you?i mean chocolate puddings at weddings???i still havent been to any which serves anything more than the usual icecream and gulab jamun:(
and about meeting the old acquaintances bit,there is nothing we can do.sigh.but we can pledge never to be one of them when we age.

ad libber 2:36 am, February 06, 2008  

@onnesha
just one wedding. And it was a vegetarian one. Have a feeling it was a form of compensation for not having any fish fries.
As about acquaintances, I will probably forget everyone of them when I age myself, so no fear of that.

@mac
ah, shoes..

@doubletake
strange, I had to chuck one over a waterfall in Sikkim myself. Sikkim stands on a foundation of Ashok Hallites shoes it seems.
Ah, but Wodehouse was talking about meeting and dumping till you meet your soulmate. Valentines Day does not understand the concept of soulmates.

@speedpost
As long as people get married, the whole world will exist on fish fry.

@WIAN
er, is this the point where I mention I got that percentage because I provided them with a med cert? My actual attendance is less than 9 classes.

@noisy autist
thank you :), it was supposed to be a sad, touching tale though :P

@coffee stain
Might have tried the beard thing, but could not defy nature. Now I just apply chocolate sauce all over my face.
As about the vegetarian weddings, there is nothing sinful than the Gobi Manchurian they dish out.

@firewhisky
ooh, a hindi film wedding, haven't seen one of those since Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

The Ancient Mariner 2:58 am, February 06, 2008  

Weddings fascinate me. They provide lost souls with fish fries. They often add chocolate puddings to the menu too. On a less brighter side, they also include relatives and other people who all claim to have met you when you were a more socially adept toddler

It was absolutely fabulous...I am still all smiles from reading it..

Addy u rock!

ArSENik 8:39 am, February 06, 2008  

It's definitely safer to resemble your Dad than to resemble your Mom. Will keep the whole 'you think I'm fat' routine in mind the next time some obscure relative tries to tell me how much taller I have grown since they last saw me drooling involuntarily.

Here's hoping your beloved shoes are recycled and return to the earth.

PS: I think Bal Thackerey is a huge fan of Wodehouse. He is just too shy to admit it. Thus, all the 'bandh karo yeh nanga naach. yeh dhikchik dhikchik nahin chalegi' with regard to couples holding hands.

Nymphaea Caerulea 9:55 pm, February 06, 2008  

the wedding encounter description was hilarious!

Abhishek... inside out 12:02 am, February 07, 2008  

weddings are fun. i hate aunty talk though. thank god, i'm not a kid anymore, the kuchi-koo was the worst touch i have ever felt.

dreamy 12:43 am, February 07, 2008  

"horribly empty"

You just gave voice to my feelings.

Thank you.

the girl with a zillion namesakes 2:20 pm, February 07, 2008  

thank you very very much for the V-day tip
you made my day :)

WHAT'S IN A NAME ? 9:57 pm, February 07, 2008  

That's Irredeemably Criminal!




now....thats the pinnacle(or the nadir)! Don't you climb any higher(or crawl any lower) and bring that 9% back to something around its half-way mark.

ad libber 2:26 am, February 08, 2008  

@ WIAN
9 %!!! that is more like 2%
and can not bring back that attendance, all the teachers have eloped with the librarians.

@TGWAZN
any time, if a single girl wont come for the rescue of a single girl ho will?

@dreamy
Gah!!! I know. :(

@abhishek
I was never the koochie- kooed type. More like the How tall you are (this was even when I was a stunted 5'2" in those early teen years)

@nymphaea
(did i spell it right)
Thank you :)

@arsenik
wasn't that line from rdb? Though yes, point taken.
Wodehouse was never against PDA. He was against non soulmates hooking up together. Maybe Thackeray realizes that nowadays, soulmates hardly hook up together and is trying to prevent it.

@the ancient mariner
Thenkuu :)

Standbymind 12:20 pm, February 08, 2008  

Weddings are so fun..you gotto eat eat eat!
And attendance..32 is cool...always had 25-30 in my classes, name alwys figured n the notice board lists..

and thats nice reason for V day to give..I shallremember that!

:0

Nice read

~Moo-lah Buz!nezzz~ 2:12 pm, February 08, 2008  

Hahahaha!!!...
FishFry enamoured invitee!!!..rofl!!
Bu t u knwo what whenever someone ever tells me the line " how you have grown" Nowadays I reply back.."I know and u look old enough to be dead"

But buried ur shoes??!!
...and 32% is decent.Someone in the blogging circuit (read:coffee stain!!) had something-less-than-10% for his attendance....

WHAT'S IN A NAME ? 4:42 pm, February 08, 2008  

:(

coffee stain 4:56 pm, February 08, 2008  

damn....i never had <10% :O wtf?! lies i tell ye lies!!!

ad libber 12:38 am, February 09, 2008  

@Coffee stain
Gasp..I presume you have absolutely no idea then about how my college functions

@WIAN
there, there, it will be okay :)

@moo-lah
I got that 32% thru medical certificates (original, I asssure you). As mentioned somewhere above, my actual attendance would otherwise be around 2%

@standbymind
thenkee :)

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Kalyan 9:00 pm, February 09, 2008  

a nice thoughtful post...you have highlighted the contrast between this two social occasions wonderfully....nice reading!

the girl with a zillion namesakes 2:03 pm, February 10, 2008  

i think i am a disgrace to the blogging community i have 78% attendance...

dreamy 6:37 pm, February 10, 2008  

@ girl with zillion namesakes..

are you sure thats not an 88%?

november rain-of tears 6:24 pm, February 12, 2008  

marriages r not just abt fish fries...they r about chocolate balls dipped in chocolate sauce,chocolate puddings,black forests,lovely chinese dishes and yes maru weddings can be good coz they have these many varieties of puddings n ice creams n cakes that u would fail to find in any decent restaurant.and yes the realatives r always thr,u might have met them yesterday at some party and told them (on being asked) that ur studying CA and r in ur 2nd yr,but then they will ask u the very same question today in the very same choice of words which might make u wonder that u might just have traveled back in time......n u must have had a wonderful time walking barefoot in college street....

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